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(CNN) Undeserving. Scared. ImposterFrom two-time winner on the Ladies European Tour (LET) to Wales’ first ever Solheim Cup player, there were many ways for onlookers to label Becky Brewerton in 2012, but none got close to the way she was describing herself.Formerly a prodigious amateur, for eight years Brewerton had traveled the world competing at the summit of women’s professional golf. Then, almost overnight, her game disappeared.Regular top-10 finishes became fleeting, then non-existent, and as Brewerton’s ranking tumbled, so too did her income. Soon without a place to live or a car, she delivered parcels and takeaways, any faint hope of a professional golf career totally abandoned.How does an elite sportsperson who has spent countless hours honing their craft suddenly become near-paralyzed by fear and anxiety every time she competes? And more importantly, how do they overcome that fear to return to the top-level years later?In January 2012, Brewerton had been enjoying a peaceful Sunday afternoon in Spain before deciding to venture out on a bike ride. One small stone on a corner later, the 29-year-old was flying headfirst over the handlebars, her hip slamming into the curb.
Gashing her head and ripping away half the skin on her right hand, the crash was so severe that it left a dent around her hip joint big enough to fit her entire thumb into.Yet a mere two weeks later, despite looking more like a recently defeated boxer than a golfer, a bruised Brewerton limped onto a plane to Australia to play a flurry of events down under.Four events, four missed cuts: the typically consistent Welsh woman quickly found herself in uncharted waters of form, and drowning in similarly unfamiliar feelings.Standing over the ball her mind and limbs would, seemingly on a whim and with increasing regularity, completely disconnect.Approaching the first tee, Brewerton would be often greeted with a tightening chest and heart palpitations, as the task of simply hitting the ball where she wanted became utterly daunting.“Even though it was a physical fall that I’d had, it didn’t feel like it was the physical part of the injury that caused a problem. It felt like my mind; I was scared,” Brewerton told CNN’s Alex Thomas.“Maybe it was partly due to the shock of something like that happening, but it was the first time I remember feeling genuinely scared on the golf course.“I would close my eyes and it was like there was cars going at a thousand miles an hour the whole time, I just couldn’t think straight because obviously if I had been thinking straight, I would have realized that something was wrong and I would have tried to do something about it rather than just carry on.”CNN
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Though she believes rushing back to the game so soon after that fateful bike ride was a mistake, for Brewerton, as she reflects on her psychological struggles, she acknowledges even when she was enjoying her success not everything had felt right.Already as she was bursting onto the scene as the European Ladies Amateur champion in 2002, finishing runner-up in two LET events at just 16-years-old, Brewerton was battling self-doubt.Two Tour wins in 2007 and 2009 did little to extinguish such feelings. Even as she made history to reach the pinnacle of the women’s game in those years, representing Europe twice at the Solheim Cup, Brewerton’s internal struggle continued.“Because I didn’t talk about that at the time, there was part of me that thought, ‘I’m just strange or I’m just odd,’ or people are going to think I’m weird if I say anything.“I just thought, ‘one day this is all going to go wrong.’ My biggest fear was that not knowing if I could be the player that I wanted to be.
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